Ask Imam Abdul Moderate

(Due to technical difficulties, the blogger known as Sultan Knish will not be able to post today. Instead for the benefit of our readers we present this week's column of Ask Imam Abdul Moderate, moderated by Imam Abdul Moderate)

Asalaam Aleikum Brothers and Sisters of the Ummah and Assorted Unclean Infidels

While certain extremists continue their attempts to present Islam as a violent religion, I Imam Abdul Moderate am dedicated to presenting the true moderate face of Islam, the religion of peace.

This week as every week we cover the grave issues presented to Muslims living in the unclean Dar Al Harb of the West where homosexuals and unclad women parade themselves on every corner and the heathen government stuffs ham sandwiches in the mouths of the devout.

I will now reply to your questions.




Dear Imam Abdul Moderate,

My daughter has lately ceased to wear her Hijab and has been seen conversing with boys. Tell me what should I do?

Manchester
Kaleak Zoombuboz


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kaleak,

You should strangle her immediately by fastening the Hijab around her neck and pulling tight until she is dead. Then you must claim a black man did it. This is the will of Allah.

Imam Abdul Moderate


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Imam Abdul Moderate,

Lately the shameless clothing of the Western women has begun filling my head with sinful thoughts. I have tried prayer and fasting and abstaining from both kite flying and chess, but it does no good. Tell me what must I do?

Los Angeles
Muhembud Zabeedoob


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Muhmbud,

It is a sin for a man to lust after infidel women. The proper solution is to abduct them all and then marry them and convert them to Islam. Then lusting after them is no longer a sin. If this is not possible, do your best to kill them. If this too is not possible complain to your local civil rights center that their clothing is a violation of your culture and demand that they cover up. Then bomb the civil rights center to put the fear of Allah in them for Islam is a religion of peace.

Also switch to dominoes. Chess is sinful.

Imam Abdul Moderate


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Imam,

I am conflicted over the question of Jihad. I know that Islam is the religion of peace, so should I go to join the Mujahadeen fighting the enemy in Afghanistan, the lions fighting the blasphemous infidels in Iraq, the martyrs fighting the Zionist enemy in Fallahstin, the brave heroes beheading Buddhist teachers of idolatry in Thailand, the glorious avengers of the conquest of our lands in Madrid and the righteous brethren fighting in the Philippines, Pakistan, Detroit and Somalia.

In short Imam Abdul Moderate, there are so many Jihads and I am only one man. Life is short, tell me which one should I pick?

Leiloo Kazoomi


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leiloo,

It used to be that finding a Jihad to fight in was difficult and took a long journey. I remember when my grandfather wanted to fight a Jihad, he had to go to Japan and it turned out there were no Muslims in Japan to fight with or against, so he had to settle for washing dishes in an infidel eatery for three years until he had the yen for passage back home to Riyadh.

Today with so many Jihads around the world it is truly a glorious time to be a Muslim. However Jihad is a serious duty for a Muslim and requires much forethought. This forethought should focus primarily on all the blue skinned demon virgins awaiting you in Paradise and how much prettier they are than your wife. Also you should preferably do Jihad while on vacation so it does not interfere with your work.

Imam Abdul Moderate


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Until next week, this is Imam Abdul Moderate with an important message for our communities. Lately we have been experiencing a problem with many good Muslim boys and girls getting into trouble by listening to rock and roll music (which is Haram), shaving their mustaches and beards and disrespecting their parents when they order them to kill their immoral and licentious sisters. We must band together as a community by encouraging and compelling our children to leave this wicked sinful path and go blow up some American soldiers in Iraq or Afghanistan.

Asalaam Aleikum, Peace Unto You