Dear Imam Abdul Moderate

(Due to another unavoidable absence by Sultan Knish, in place of a post we present another issue of Ask Imam Abdul Moderate, the column by Imam Abdul Moderate that serves as a guide for moderate Muslims all around the world. All 4 of them.)

Asalaam Aleikum Brothers and Sisters of the Ummah and Assorted Unclean Infidels

While the Zionist media and their whores at CNN, the motherless sons of impotent donkeys at MSNBC and the castrated infidel demons of the BBC continue to misrepresent Muslims as bigoted fanatical madmen filled with hate for everyone-- we Muslims must strive to set an example of moderation to the sons of pigs and monkeys who torment us with the vileness of their unclothed women and ham sandwiches even as they plot genocide against the Ummah.

I will now reply to your questions.




Dear Imam Abdul Moderate,

As a resident of the godless abomination of the United States of Infidels, I was planning to vote for Barack Hussein Obama, but I am torn between my desire to vote for Obama in order to drive the Americans and their Zionist collaborators out of the White House and my desire to behead him for his reversion from Islam as a heretic.

I am not sure which I should do first. Please helm me Imam?

Indiana
Manfooz Bayiz
Executive Director CAIR


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Manfooz,

The proper order is to vote Obama into the White House so that he may bring defeat to the Crusaders, dismantle America's military might and destroy Israel. Afterward you may behead him for being a heretic. This is the way of the moderate Muslim to engage with the civil institutions of the Dal Al Harb for the ends of the Ummah before bombing them to smithereens.

Imam Abdul Moderate


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Dear Imam Abdul Moderate,

I own a small restaurant in Manchester. Outside of it is a neon sign for the bar across the street whose loops and curves resemble to me the name of Allah. Should I blow it up or worship it?

Los Angeles
Hassan Chop


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Hassan,

I suspect you are an infidel prankster who is impersonating a true Muslim in order to mock Islam. Nevertheless because I am a moderate Muslim, I shall answer your question. Liquor is Haram. Bars are also Haram. Also they are filled with loose women who will spill drinks on you and refuse to sleep with you, even when you tell them that you are an Imam.

You should blow up a bar regardless of whether Allah's name is in lights above it. In your particular case, I would advise blowing up the bar but leaving the lights alone. If they are truly sacred, then the neon letters will hang in space on their own projecting the name of our moon god across all of Los Angeles.

If not let them burn.

Imam Abdul Moderate


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Dear Imam Abdul Moderate,

I am a very devout Muslim, but I have an uncontrollable appetite for beer, women and chess playing. How may I best serve the Ummah while still continuing to sin relentlessly? Also I never say any prayers.

Derry
Raheem Hasseen


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Raheem,

As a Muslim you are obligated to pray five times a day, refrain from alcohol, women and chess playing. If you cannot do any of these, it is alright as long as you remember the cardinal rule of Islam, ABKI. Always Be Killing Infidels. When you are at the grocery store, kill an infidel. When you are vacationing at a resort in Taba, kill an infidel. When you are reciting a prayer for peace at the opening session of the Iowa Legislature, kill an infidel. Remember beer, women and chess are Haram unless you are involved in the noble cause of Jihad. Jihad opens the doors of pleasure, as we used to say in the Muslim Brotherhood bathhouse.

Imam Abdul Moderate


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Dear Imam Abdul Moderate,

I live in Jerusalem, where I have a good job, my children get a good Muslim education at the expense of the infidel pig-monkey zionist occupying government, and I even get a parking space in front of my flat.

My question is whether it is better to kill a Jew, lose my job and let my family starve to death, or just to continue to take their money?

Abdul Mustapha
French Hill
Jerusalem


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Abdul,

As you well know there is no contradiction between the courses of action you propose as the fiendish Zionists will not only continue providing you money and paying for your children's Muslim education should you declare Jihad against them-- but they will offer you even more money. Should you be killed in the cause of Jihad, they will even pay for your burial. Should they withhold any of the free education, money or land, you may be certain that all the condemnation of the world will fall on them.

Imam Abdul Moderate





Until next week then, peace be upon you if you are a Muslim and violent and bloody death be upon you if you are a dirty infidel. And remember when discussing Islam with the vile and filthy Crusaders and Zionist dogs, be sure to emphasize that we are a religion of peace, that we also believe in Ibrahim and Yasus. And if that doesn't work and they don't agree to revert to Islam, chop their heads off.

Asalaam Aleikum, Peace Unto You