Maskophobia, Murderphobia and Bombphobia

Even as Australia was banning the veil, New Zealand was caught in a scandal over the veil after the Saudi consulate complained when two of their masked slaves were refused access to a Kiwi bus.

But the two bus drivers dodged accusations of Islamophobia by claiming that they instead suffer from Maskphobia. Maskphobia being the fear of people wearing masks.

While liberal New Zealand newspaper writers are ridiculing it as a dodge, it's actually a far more honest position than condemning every concern about Islam as Islamophobia. Few people are concerned about Islam because it is a five letter word or foreign. They are concerned about it, because it has a habit of murdering their kind of people. The kind who don't attend mosques, wear veils or bow to a desert deity who commanded his followers to subjugate all infidels. The proper term for this concern is Murderphobia.

Some people riding on a bus are concerned that Muslims will follow their habit of detonating buses in the name of Allah. That the masked and hooded lady is concealing a bomb belt under her portable black tent. This condition is known as Bombphobia.

When boarding a plane, many worry that a Quran bearer will be flying the friendly skies with them and will attempt to hijack the plane and steer it toward the nearest large building full of non-Muslims. This is known as Boxcutterphobia.

Some women worry about being sexually assaulted by a member of a religion which says that those of another gender who do not wear the veil are free for the taking. This is called IslamoRapephobia.

And some parents are concerned about their children being exploited in sex rings by a religion, which cannot be named, yet which consider infidel girls to be fair prey. And whose prophet married and raped a child. This is called IslamoPedoPhobia.

Many cartoons are concerned that if they depict the Prophet of the Religion of Peace (Pigs Be Upon Him) that they will then have to go into hiding and run for their lives. This is known as CartoonPhobia.

Blind people are worried that they will be left without transportation by Muslim cabbies who hate their seeing eye dogs, because their religion says that dogs prevent angels from entering a house. This is called StrandedByBigotedIslamoCabbiesPhobia.

Religious minorities, particularly Jews, are concerned that they are being driven out of the neighborhoods, cities and countries where they used to live by Islamic bigotry. This is a problem that everyone knows does not exist, which is why we are not allowed to talk about it. We are not allowed to talk about it in France, in Sweden or in the Negev. Like the rapes, murders, bombings and Muslim hate crimes-- it is something we do not talk about. But it might be called KristallnachtPhobia.

This entire complex of phobias of course has nothing whatsoever to do with Islam. It just happens to entirely coincidentally involve Muslims. Which is no reflection on Islam, the latter being a wonderful Religion of Peace, which has inspired many people to do great things, like conquering and enslaving entire cultures, forcing women to dress like Klansmen and learning to use flight simulators. And I for one would never presume to suggest otherwise.

Islam is a wonderful religion. I'm not just saying that because I have a knife to my throat. It's one of those special religions whose very specialness is hard to express in words, but can be best learned about by visiting the survivors of a bomb attack in the hospitals and helping them feed themselves.

Islamophobia of course has no place in a modern society. It's as ridiculous as being afraid of land mines or serial killers. But unfortunately there is a constellation of related disorders that coincide with it. Such as Maskohpbobia, Bombophobia and Murderphobia that are in no way a response to anything Islamic, but do coincide with some behaviors that are occasionally spotted around people with veils, beards and holy books that tell them to slay the infidels.

What can we as a modern society do about this tragic situation? As tolerant people we must endeavor to accommodate these conditions. And as our Muslim neighbors are known to be fantastically tolerant people, as the diverse religious composition of their countries testifies, we are doubtlessly sure that they will eager accommodate these fears with their usual tolerance.

That will require them to make some slight adjustments to their daily routines. The veil must go. We recognize that this is a deep custom of religious significance and helps remind the Muslim male that his wife is his property, while reassuring him that absolutely no other man has looked at his property during the day, but this irrational fear we have of masks must be accommodated. It is the only tolerant thing to do.

Also the killing really must stop. We recognize that killing people is often mentioned in the Quran and that Jihad is a vital religious duty for Muslims-- and we would never dream of impeding their spiritual journey, even if it's on a plane with bombs in their underwear, but our nervous condition requires that we must ask them to carry out this religious obligation of theirs at home.

We are not particularly concerned whether they practice their Jihad in Saudi Arabia or Pakistani or whatever other of their countries they like. But due to our condition of Murderphobia, we ask that they not practice it here.

It is a lot to ask. We know. But we really must insist on being accommodated. And as a tolerant religion, the Islamic community, with its storied heritage and its water clocks, will no doubt be happy to comply.

Also the taxis for the blind thing. You hate dogs, we hate dogs too. Everyone hates dogs. I have no idea why anyone keeps them around. Certainly the blind don't need them. Mostly they're just lazy. If they really wanted to see, they would. Besides if they're blind, it's probably because Allah punished them for not getting up to prayers on time or walking a step ahead of a Muslim-- but still they have this irrational fear of not being able to get around, especially when your wonderful tolerant religion has monopolized so many of the cabs. So be good chaps and help them out.

Then there's the cartoons. Obviously you have the right to take an ax to anyone who draws squiggly lines that look like your prophet-- even though you don't know what your prophet looked like since no one is allowed to draw him. And none of us would dare interfere with this binding religious duty, just as we wouldn't dream of looking twice at an angry bearded man wearing a heavy vest in warm weather. Still some of our infidel cartoonists have this irrational fear of being murdered. Which naturally has nothing to do with your threats and plans to murder them. But still it would calm their irrational phobia if you wouldn't murder them. Thanks, that's a good Ahmed.

Finally the rapes. We don't like it. I don't want to be rude here, but we have a custom about these things. Our peculiar custom is that women are human beings with equal rights, who can't just be seized and assaulted because they're not wearing your favored full body headbags. I know this is natural in your culture and being a wholly tolerant person, who actually has an advanced degree in Tolerance, I would never object. But still it might be best if you accommodated our peculiar little culture and refrained from doing that sort of thing.

I don't know about you, but I for one am glad that we had this little chat. With such dialogue, many misunderstandings can be cleared up. For instance, many Muslims think that we are Islamophobic. Not at all. We are only Bomb, Murder, Rape and many other kinds of Phobic. Also we don't like masks in public, especially when they're worn by people with a history of triggering our Bomb and Murderphobias.

We appreciate your tolerance. Now please take that damn mask off. Our phobias are acting up again.