Science News You Don't Have Time For

Ancestor of Crazed Homicidal Maniacs Traced Back to 560 CE Mecca



Genetic researchers investigating the origin of crazed homicidal behavior have traced back the vast majority of crazed homicidal maniacs to a common ancestor in the vicinity of Mecca around the sixth century.

"We don't quite know what to make of it yet," said Dr. Susan Anderson, "but we've found a clear correlation between crazed homicidal behavior with a common origin point in the Arabian desert. We don't know what causes it and so we can't offer any real hope for a cure, but this one single man appears to be the origin of a great deal of present day homicidal mania across the Middle East and parts of Europe, America and Asia."

In response to the release of this study outraged homicidal maniacs burned three Kentucky Fried Chicken franchises in Mecca and out of habit began boycotting Danish goods.




South Korean Scientists Clone Dog Smart Enough Not to Vote for Obama



In a major breakthrough in cloning technology, South Korean researchers have reported cloning a dog said to be smarter than many humans. In trials and tests, the canine dubbed Chad, showed superior intelligence by completing basic math problems, avoiding debt and refusing to vote for Obama.

"This dog we have created is extraordinary because he is not only smarter than ordinary dogs, he is also smarter than most humans on Digg and YouTube," said Dr. Suk Wook Pak. "His refusal to vote for Obama even after hearing the words "Hope" and "Change" repeated twelve times in a row and accompanied by a jingling bell, demonstrated a superior resistance to Pavlovian imprinting than has been displayed by the average Democratic party voter."

It is unknown what impact Chad the Wonder Dog and dogs like him will have on the political process, but worried Democrats have already called for a ban on their import to the United States.



Scientists Not Sure What's Wrong with Planet, but Sure Mankind is to Blame



At a meeting of IAHCS or the International Association of Hysterical Climate Scientists, climate scientists planning to write popularized science books have concluded that they have no idea what's wrong with the climate but that mankind is almost certainly to blame.

"Look here we're scientists," said prominent author and occasional researcher, Dr. Robert Charles Dawson, "you can't expect us to actually know whether the climate is warming or cooling. We have more important things to worry about, like trying to get on the New York Times bestseller list. And you can't do that unless you blame the whole thing on people the readers of the New York Times don't like, like Republicans."

After an extensive 3 day IAHCS conference in sunny Bermuda, everyone in attendance reaffirmed the importance of reminding everyone to worry about the earth warming or cooling and promised to write favorable reviews for each other on Amazon.com before flying home on jet planes to their homes in the suburbs.



Paleontologists Discover Darwin Fossil



In a striking discovery, paleontologist associated with Crichton University have located the elusive Darwin fossil on a dig in a valley in England. Said to be well over three hundred billion years old, this fossil of an aged Englishman is said to be a groundbreaking discovery in evolutionary theory.

"What this perfectly preserved fossil, Homo Darwinicus demonstrates is that evolutionary theory predates even the dinosaurs," said Dr. Michael Jones. "While we clearly knew that the dinosaurs themselves were intelligent enough to reject Intelligent Design and embrace Evolutionary Theory, this finally proves that Evolution is the oldest thing in the universe."

While critics have questioned how an evolutionary biologist could have existed billions of years in the past when conventional dating places him in Victorian England, schools have been forbidden to discuss the issue.




Obama Reinvents Internet



Major media outlets are giving Presidential candidate Barack Obama credit for reinventing the internet. While credit for inventing the internet had been previously held by Al Gore, his failure to secure the Presidency clearly demonstrated a lack of internet inventiveness.

"The Obama campaign's innovative uses of the internet, such as raising money over the internet, denouncing Republicans over the internet and having his staff put up videos attacking Hillary Clinton on the internet that he then disavows, clearly demonstrates that the Obama campaign has invented the internet all over again," said internet expert Frank Rich. "These are all clearly unprecedented uses of the internet which we should now begin calling the Obamanet.

Previous credit for reinventing the internet had gone to Ron Paul, Martin Van Buren and anyone the media supports in a national election.