The Church of Obama

Hello folks,

My name is the Reverend Community Organizer Jim Pestelbane and before I came in touch with the glory of Obama, I was just like one of you. Ignorant, angry, reading the bible and attached to my guns. And then I felt a thrill go up my leg and I was born again into a new man. I am here to tell you now that it can happen for you too.

A year ago I was homeless, a little violent, a little crazy. I was living on the street and stabbing people in the face over crystal meth deals. And then I got paid 20 dollars to vote six times for Barack Obama, under six different names, and I was born again into six different men, one of whom was actually a woman, two of whom were dead, and one of whom was Donald Duck. Amen. Praise be Barack.

Today the glory of Barack Obama fills every corner of my life and it can fill yours too. People ask me all the time, "Jim, How can I be touched by the grace of Obama?" The answer is simple. All you have to do is believe. And pay up. Because Barack Obama needs your money. He can't do anything without your money.

Why should I give Barack Obama my money, you might be asking yourself? Because when you give, you get. You've got to plant a seed in Barack to reap a harvest! Your union gives Barack four million dollars. You get back a fifty billion dollar giant automaker. Listen to that again. You give 4 million, you get a 50 billion dollar auto company. Plant a seed, reap a harvest.

Citigroup gave Obama a mere 1.5 million dollars, and got back 45 billion dollars. Praise Barack. AIG gave only a 100,000 dollars. Only a 100 grand folks. And what did they get back? A whopping 85 billion dollars! Now that's what planting a seed in Barack can do for you, folks. An % 850,000 return. Now no bank on earth can offer you that kind of return. Only the Bank of Barack.

Do you have your eye on a great American corporation? Barack can nationalize it and give it to you too! Do you covet your neighbor's house but can't even pay your own mortgage? Put your trust in Barack, and your mortgage money, and he will raise taxes to take away your neighbor's home and give it to you. What about his wife? Well we're working on that one, sir.

Things like that are happening all around us, but you've got to act fast. Barack has got to know that he can count on you. Because remember, America's assets are finite and they're going fast. If you don't grab your share, someone else will, and then you're gonna be left holding the bag. Remember if you're not getting from Barack, then you're giving to those who are. Because Barack isn't giving away his money, he's giving away your money.

I see miracles all around me from people who were touched by Barack's glory. I saw Barack Obama shake the hand of a perfectly healthy man at a campaign rally. Today that man is on disability for being too fat to work. I saw Barack Obama wave at a rally to a woman who could see just fine. Then she fainted from the heat, got trampled, sued the city that the rally was held in and took home 80 million dollars. That's 80 million dollars, all through the glory of Barack. Amen.

That's right folks, I've seen people who were perfectly healthy be touched by the sickening power of Barack, and be rendered completely helpless and completely well off. With the power of Barack on your side, even if you can't afford to give 10 or 20 million dollars, you can still lie in bed all day and get money from the government.

Let me tell you what Barack Obama can do for you. Do you want to sit home all day while other people work? Do you want to laugh at your neighbor who goes to work every day, while you sit and watch Mexican wrestling, and take home half his paycheck anyway? Believe in Barack and he can make it happen for you too.

Barack Obama wants your love, but more than he wants your money. And whatever you give him, he will repay from the bountiful infinite coffers of the government. I tell everybody, "This is truly a golden age we're living in." The labor of nine generations of Americans is being carved up and their wealth redistributed to the followers of Barack, Praise his Unspoken Middle Name. This is an opportunity that can never be repeated, because once all that wealth is gone, it's never coming back. Not under socialism, it ain't. So grab it now before it's all gone.

For he hath made a covenant with the lazy, the selfish, the aggrieved, the bigoted, the liars, the fools, the unions and the lawyers to give over to them all the wealth of the land. And you can either be among those losing their savings, or among the saved.

Bow your head to Barack and to his teleprompter, to his dead racist white grandmother and his two fathers, to St Jeremiah of Chicago and St. Pfleger of the White Hood, to Bomber Bill and all of Barack's retinue of saints. Forget your old faith, it's time to join the church of Obama. Bow your head and repeat with me, "Hope. Change. Yes we can. Yes we can. Yes we can."

Yes we can, take all your money and freedom away in the name of Barack. Amen.