A Preview of Obama's Future Speeches

There are few things that Obama does as well as reading speeches off a teleprompter, unless it's posing for photos or deficit spending. Here's a satirical preview of some possible upcoming Obama speeches all united by one common theme. Him, Himself and He.


On the 40th Anniversary of the Apollo 12 Moon Landing.

"Eight years before the Apollo 12 touched down in the cold lunar dust, in the hot summer days of the year 1961, a dimwitted hippie from Kansas and a Kenyan philanderer gave birth to a little boy at some undisclosed location. That boy was born into a far different America, an America where no one thought that a little black boy could travel to the moon, let alone become President. Today America can no longer travel to the moon, but that little boy sits in the White House... and 40 years from now when we are celebrating the 40 year anniversary of my presidency, who is to say which accomplishment will be seen as the greater one? I am. It's me. Me!"



Statement on the Great California Quake of 2010

"Let's open this up with a shout out to my good buddy Joe Crowfoot, there in the back row. Joe knows what it's like to party. Okay back to the earthquake. I've been on record before as being opposed to earthquakes. In the Senate, I voted for the "Opposition to Earthquakes and Sexual Predator Empowerment Act" that would have devoted a million dollars to earthquake prevention by sending convicted sexual predators into schools to talk to children about earthquake safety. No Republican voted for that Act. Very few Democrats did as a matter of fact. I was the only one willing to go out on a limb and take a stand. But the Republicans as usual didn't care if a lot of little kids die in an earthquake. And today that is exactly what happened. That's why it's urgent that we pass health care reform. Because Republicans can't protect you from earthquakes. For that matter Republicans don't care what happens to you in earthquake. Only my health care reform plan can stop earthquakes."


Remarks on the opening of the Amelia Earhart Exhibit at the Museum of Air and Space


"Like me, Amelia Earhart was a great historic figure. When Amelia Earhart made her famous 1928 transatlantic flight, few people believed that she could accomplish that feat. Similarly when I ran for President, few people besides my billionaire backers believed I could do it. Sure I had two best selling biographies and a lot of catch phrases, but like Earhart I had to sit in the back while someone else did the flying. And even though I was never tragically lost at sea, as Amelia was, I think that to many people I represent an Amelia Earhart for the 21st century. An Amelia more representative of a changing America, more open and willing to listen to other people's experiences and eager to pass health care reform. A Bill that I truly know Amelia would have approved of and lobbied for."


Comments During the Visit of the Special Olympics Basketball Team

"Folks, let's welcome some truly superb athletes today. These special little guys are athletes with real heart and soul. Of course they can't sink a basket like I can. In a game between me and their entire team, I bet I would beat the pants off them. But that's because I have something special that they don't have. No, not just working legs. I mean real drive and determination. The same drive and determination that took me from smoking pot in Hawaii, to smoking pot with Vice-President Joe Biden in the White House. Even if some tragic accident were to somehow deprive me of the use of my legs, I bet I would figure out a way to make them work again. And then I would write a best selling book about it to teach other people how to do it too. Now that's what real determination looks like."


Speech on the Extinction of the North American Gray Wolf

"Once upon a time they hunted the wide prairies and mountainous regions of North America, fearsome predators, yet devoted and intelligent animals. Today they are no more. And there is a simple but tragic reason for that. Poor adaptation skills. I can relate to the Gray Wolf because gray is a color in between black and white. When I was growing up as a mixed race teenager in Hawaii with a confused  identity and no real skills besides compulsive lying, I quickly learned to adapt to any situation. Whether I was mixing with white people or black people, I quickly learned to blend in, to repress who I really was, in order to be part of the crowd. That is a skill that the North American Gray Wolf tragically lacked. And that is why it is extinct today. Had the Gray Wolf been more like me, Barack Obama, then he too might be sitting in the White House."


Statement During the Reopening of the Smithsonian Museum

"I was pleased to be able to appropriate 100 million to the renovation of the Smithsonian, the institution which holds within its walls so much of our prized and treasured history. To walk the halls of the Smithsonian is to walk through American history and finally to stand here in my presence at the culmination of American history. The history of our nation is the story of our rise from intolerance to tolerance, and my historic election is the fulfillment of that striving as embodied in the Declaration of Independence. One might even say that I make American history meaningful and that America would be a far worse country without me. Therefore in the spirit of that greatness, I rededicate this museum to American history, to myself."


Greetings to the Visiting Delegation from the Londonderry Church of Satan

"On behalf of myself and Michelle, I want to extend my heartfelt welcome to the honored delegates from the Londonderry Church of Satan in Ireland. The Church of Satan is an honorable religious organization with a long history of promoting fellowship and goodwill among people who like to dress in dark clothes. Growing up as a fatherless boy, casting around for male role models, I found Satan to be a compelling and dramatic figure. Like me he was a community organizer bringing awareness of injustice to those around him and fighting for change. He wasn't satisfied with just being in the background, he wanted to have the top job even though he wasn't qualified for it. I'm sorry that I was never able to meet Satan in person to tell him what an inspiration he has been to me."


On the Landing of a UFO on the White House Lawn

"We are convened here to welcome earth's first visitors from outer space. This is a tremendously exciting opportunity to encounter the first lifeforms from another world. And like you, I have a thousand questions for them. What do they think of me? Have they read my books and which of them did like better? Do they find me as poised and leaderly as I find myself? What race are they? Will they be willing to lobby for universal health care. Of course they would, they're from the universe, aren't they. Can donations from extraterrestrials be accepted for the DNCC? Wait, why are they leaving? The aliens must have been too in awe of me to stay. But never fear citizens of America, our alien visitors may have departed, but I am still here with you."


Speech at the Dedication of the Abraham Lincoln/Barack Obama National Memorial

"Ladies and gentlemen, today is a great day for our country, as our collective dream has finally come true, and  Congress has agreed to spend the last few dollars the Chinese agreed to lend us, in order to remember the greatest moment in history, me. Initially there was a great deal of controversy over the redesign of the Lincoln Memorial to commemorate my presidency. My initial humble suggestion was to keep the focus on our second greatest President (after me) by changing the memorial to depict Abraham Lincoln sitting and reading a copy of my book, "Dreams From My Father" and being inspired by it. Some historians however pointed out to me that Lincoln died before 1995, which means he was never able to read my book. So instead the design of the monument was changed to remove Lincoln from the seat and instead depict me, reading a copy of Lincoln's Greatest Speeches.

But there was still something wrong. I had trouble figuring out what it was, until Michelle pointed it out to me. There was still too much Lincoln. So the Lincoln Memorial was redesigned once again to show me reading a copy of my own book, Dreams From My Father. And so now I give you the new Lincoln, Obama memorial. I am sure that if Abraham Lincoln were here today, he would have been proud to have his name on a memorial featuring me."